I Never Could Make Sense of It...

I once knew a woman who had lived a really awful lifestyle, but then she met her now husband, and he inspired an incredible change in her. She cleaned up her life, said goodbye to her past boyfriends, and then later got married to this wonderful fellow.

One day she came to me complaining over how her husband was acting kind of distant from her. I asked if they had talked about it, she said yes, and he said that he was unhappy with how she was still thinking about her past life all the time. I asked her what he meant by that. She said that she has an extremely generous nature and loves to throw parties, and when she’d been with lots of different guys, it was her thing to throw them extravagant birthday parties. One guy in particular she had been with for a long time, and there were so many wonderful parties they’d shared together, that even after she got married to her husband, she kept the tradition of celebrating on her ex’s birthday. In shock, I told her that seemed kind of disrespectful to her husband, celebrating her ex like that.

She said, “Oh goodness no! I’d never celebrate my ex again! I’m celebrating my husband on this day."

I asked her if that was his actual birthday, and she said no it isn’t but that doesn’t matter because her husband should understand that she’s not doing it for the ex, she’s doing it for him. I said, “Didn’t your ex beat you? Didn’t he make you do all kinds of horrible things? Can’t you imagine how your husband is feeling right now seeing you decorate your house with all your ex’s belongings?”

              She answered, “My ex made me feel really special on those days, so I like to cherish those good memories. My husband should understand that.”

              “Why can’t you make new good memories on your husband’s birthday? What do you do on his birthday anyway?”

              “Oh, I don’t celebrate my husband’s actual birthday because I’ve already celebrated it on my ex’s birthday.”

“Why is it so important for you to celebrate on that day?”

“I don’t know.”

I never was able to convince her to see what she was doing to her poor husband. I suppose she had a form of Stockholm Syndrome. She couldn’t let go of the past despite the hell she’d been through, and she didn’t see what she was doing to her husband because of the deep emotional attachment to her ex that she still had. I really hope someday she sees just how incredibly patient her husband is being towards her despite how she's treating him.